● Christian One Liners
● Church Bulletin Bloopers!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it
What is the best vitamin for a Christian? B1
Donít join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it
What is another way of explaining prayer? Knee-mail
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? Ruthless
In Germany, what do they call their pastors? German Shepherds
Why kind of Bibles are people using on cell phones? Phony ones
Why was the chicken not allowed in church? Because of itsí fowl language
What did they do with the cow that learned the whole Bible? Put it out to Pastor!
Why didn't the worms go on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because they had to go in pears
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
What do you call a sick eagle? ill-eagle
What do ants take when they are sick? Antibiotics
How can you tell if a vampire is sick? By his coffin
Where do boats go when they get sick? The Dock
How do you know you are getting old? Your in Trouble
Where does a cat go if it loses its tail? To the retail store
Where do you go if you lose a hand? To the second hand store
What do you call a person that does not pass gas in public? A private tutor!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy or he got bit.
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque
Where do dentists get there gas? At the filling station
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why did the vampire go to the dentist? To improve his bite
What did the dentist say to the golfer? You have a hole in one
What is the best time to go to the dentist? At tooth hurty (2:30)
Why do people hate to go to the dentist? Because they bore you
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew
How do you make an egg roll? You push it
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality
What do you call an average potato? Commentator
How do you make honeymoon salad? It's lettuce alone
What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese
What do you give a guy totally out of control? His panic food
What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine
What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato? Ketchup!
Why do they call eggs sunny side up? Because itís not bottom side down
Why are there no restaurants on the moon? Because there is no atmosphere
What is also the fastest liquid on earth? Milk, it's pasteurized before you even see it
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, ďSorry, we donít serve mushrooms in here.Ē
The mushroom replies, ďWhy not? Iím a fungi!Ē
Why was the teddy bear never hungry? Because he was always stuffed
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife? He tracked her down
Why did the banana put on sunscreen? It didnít want to get peeled
Lemons grow on trees, so how do chickens grow? On poultries
What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper!
What do you do for a sick lemon? You give it lemonade
What is a lemons favorite car? A Lemanís
What is the loudest pet? A trumpet
What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese
What kind of dog always has a fever? A hot dog
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny
What do you call a donkey that's cold? A brrrrr-o!
What side of the porcupine is sharpest? The outside
What do you call a rabbit wearing a kilt? Hop Scotch
What kind of animal needs oil? Mice, they are squeaky
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
What kind of dog always knows the time? A watch dog
Why are dogs like phones? Because they have collar IDs
Want to hear a dirty joke? The white horse fell in the mud
What would bears do without bees? They would be all ears
What happened to the illegally parked frog? He got toad away
What do you call a place where apes work? A monkey business
What do you call 14 rabbits hopping backward? A receding hairline
Did you hear that the energizer bunny got arrested?
It was for battery - They're going to put him in a special cell, a Dura-cell
Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he is always lion
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ell-if-I-no
Why did the chicken fall in the well? Because he couldnít see that well
What do you call a male deer that's crazy about a female deer? A doe-nut
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bye Son
Which is strongest, an elephant or a snail?
The snail, because it can carry it's whole house while the elephant can only carry his trunk
What did the snail say when he rode on the turtles back? Wheeeeeee!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A still, no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes? A no eye deer
What did the tree say to the dog? Youíre barking up the wrong tree
What Crime did the tree commit? Treeson
What do you call a bull on fire? Flammabull
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer
What do you call a cow that is afraid? A coward
What is a cowís favorite place to eat? A cafeteria
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
What did the cow pack to go to Hawaii? A moo-moo
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
Where do cows go on Saturday night? To the moovies
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns donít work
What do you call a cow after it gives birth? Decaffeinated
How come cows canít fly? Because it is utterly impossible
What do you get from a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake
What is a cow wearing a crown? Diary queen or Burger king
Where do cows buy their gifts? With moo-lah or through cattle-ogs
Why don't cows have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!
What do you call a cow that can't give milk? An udder failure or Milk dud
Why canít you tell a cow a secret? Because it goes in one ear and out the utter
Did you hear their going to send cows into space? It will be the first herd around the world
Did you hear they are going to outlaw rolled-up bundles of hay? Because cows canít get a square meal
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they Lack toes
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak
What does a rich cow drive? A cattlelac
If the cattelac breaks down, how does the cow get around? On his Cowasaki
BIRDS & FISH
What day do chickens hate? Friday
What do you call a fish with no I? fsh
What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini
How do you talk to a fish? You drop it a line
What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs
How does a turkey eat its food? It gobbles it up
What bird is with you at every meal? A swallow
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
How do you get goldfish to age? Remove the g - oldfish
Why did the turkey join the band? Because he had drumsticks
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles
Why do fish in the ocean get bad grades? Because they are below sea level
Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay? Because they don't want to be called bagels
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
What do you call a lying frog? An AmFIBian!
How do fish get high? Seaweed
Where does a bee sit? On his bee-hind
What would a bear be without bees? Ears
What kind of bee lives in a graveyard? A zombie
How do you shoot a killer bee? With a bee-bee gun
Where do bees go after they are married? On a honeymoon
Why was the bee's hair sticky? Because he used a honeycomb
What do you call little bugs that live on the moon? Luna ticks
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm
If you are holding a bee in your hand, what is in your eyes? Beauty lies in the eyes of the Bee Holder
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? Its butt
What is the largest ant in the world? An elephant, Bigger? - A giant, Bigger? Ė Antarctica
What do you call a polygon? A dead parrot
What school do you greet people in? Hi School!
What did the square say to the circle? Youíre pointless
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Cause then it would be a foot
What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A doughnut
What did the teacher say about her disruptive students? I canít control my pupils
What is a teacher's three favorite words? June, July & August
Where does the electric cord go to shop? The outlet mall
Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"
How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters? ICE!
What kind of paper never moves?" Stationary
What is an alien without an I? Alen
A man who just lost his skies? Skip
Name of a girl on a tennis court? Annette
A man with no legs below the knees? Neil
What is a man's name in a hole? Phil or Doug
What do you call a man attacked by a cat? Claude
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff
What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art
What do you call a man doing exercise? Jim! (Gym)
What is a manís name in a big pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground? Pete! (Peat)
What is a man's name floating in a pool with no arms or legs? Bob
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
A womanís name who works with men in an auto repair shop? Carmen
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks
Change is hard, have you ever tried to bend a coin?
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it
Crime doesnít pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
Where does a penguin keeps his money? In a snow bank
How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
How do you keep a bull from charging? By canceling its credit card
What do you call a pretty ghost? Bootiful
What does the skeleton order to eat? Spare ribs
What do you call a stupid skeleton? A bone head
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos
What is a skeletonís favorite instrument? Trom Bone
Where do vampires store their money? In a blood bank
What does a vampire like on his holiday turkey? Gravy
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop
What is a vampireís favorite fruit? Nectarine or Blood Orange
Which room do the skeletons hate the most? The living room
What do you call a skeleton that rings your doorbell? A dead ringer
What does the skeleton say just before he starts to dine? Bone appetite
What do you call a skeleton that doesnít come in out of the cold? A Numb Scull
Why don't witches ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...
Why did the skeleton not go to the party? He had no body to go with, or no life, no guts
Why do vampires believe everything you tell them? Because they're suckers
Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in
What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House? Home Moaners Insurance
What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure
Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them
What do you call a skeleton that doesnít want to get up? Lazy bones
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone
Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon Bone-apart
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist
What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling
What do you call the witches garage? The broom closet
What is a Mummies' favorite type of music? Wrap!
What is a witchís favorite dessert? Ice Scream
What do you call a singing elf? Wrapper
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet
How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle!
What kind of bug hates Christmas? A humbug
How can you tell Santa is near? By his presence
How does Santa water his garden? With rain, dear
What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickle less
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking
What do you call an old snowman? Water, or a puddle
What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes
What do you get from a cow at the North Pole? Ice cream
What are people called that are afraid of Santa? Claustaphobic
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
What do you get when you decorate for Christmas? Tinselitus!
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
Whatís red white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole? Cold cash!
What type of pine has the sharpest needles? Answer: A porcupine
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, It was on the house
What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree? Pineapple
Difference between regular alphabet and the North Pole alphabet? Noel
What did Adam say to Eve the day before Christmas? Itís Christmas, Eve
What do aliens say when they land in the North Pole? Take me to your heater
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents
What do you call someone who does not believe in Santa? A rebel without a claus
What is Santaís name if he comes down the chimney while the fire is ablaze? Crisp Cringle
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, Iíll never part with it!
When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day? Every year
Why is it so cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!
Why is Santa so good at karate? Because he has a black belt
What do you call a train filled with taffy? A chew chew train
What do you call a young locomotive? A Trainee
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the utter side
Why did the TV cross the road? It wanted to be a flat screen
Why didnít the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack
Why did the lemon stop halfway across the road? He ran out of juice
Why did Mickey Mouse cross the road? He was going on a Minnie vacation
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? It wanted to lay it on the line
What do you call someone who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses the road again?
A dirty double crosser
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9
Why shouldnít you buy Velcro? Itís a rip off
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing
Why is Mozart upset with chickens? Because they go Bach Bach Bach
Two guys walk in to a bar, the third guy ducks
What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired
How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What was the stadium hot after the game? All the fans left
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary
Why was the ocean embarrassed? Because it saw its bottom
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it
What type of candle burns longer? None, they all burn shorter!
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh
If H20 is inside of the fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
Four days start with T? Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow
What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A stamp
If two is a couple and three is a crowd, then what is four and five? 9
Did you hear about the boys who went on a camping trip? It was intense
What did the football coach say to the Coke machine? I want my quarter back
If con is the opposite of pro, in must mean Congress is the opposite of progress
Put your finger pointing up in the air. Knock Knock, Whoís there? Woo. Woo Who
If everyone in the country drove a pick car, what would you call that? A pink car nation
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a tire? None, the tire has to want to change first
Did you hear about the guy who couldnít find camouflaged pants at Walmart? He couldnít find any
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted
Why canít an idiot dial 911? He canít find the 11 on the phone
When is a car not a car? When it turn into a driveway
When is a door not a door? When itís a jar
How does a pirate laugh? HARRRRR
What does a pirateís dog say? ARRRF
What's a pirate's favorite gas? Arrrrrgon!
What did the old Pirate get? Arrrrrrrrthritis!
What is a pirate's favorite planet? Marrrrrs!
What does a pirate smoke? A cigaaaarrrrrr!
How long is a pirate's plank? A YARRRd!!!
Where do pirates eat fast food? Arrrrrrrrrrby's
When do pirates prefer to attack? In the darrrrrrk!
What is a pirate's favorite field sport? Arrrrrrchery!
What do pirateís go to school for? The 3 ARRRRs!
What's a pirate's favorite vegetable? Arrrrrrtichokes!
Why are Pirates called Pirates? Because they Arrrgh!
Where can you find very few pirates? The Arrrrrctic!
What do pirates like for Christmas? Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrds!
How do pirates like their meat? ChAARRRRRRrrred!
How many pirate jokes are lame? Most of them ARR!
What is a pirate's favorite baseball team? The Pirates
Where did the pirate go for a drink? To the barrrrrrgh!
Where is a pirate's favorite place to shop? Taaarrrrrget!
What is a pirate's favorite animal? An AAAAAArrrdvark!!!
What do you call an insane pirate? BizzARRRRRRRRE!!!
What is a pirate's favorite way to fly? A helicoptAAARRR!!
How do pirates navigate their ships? With the staaaaarrrrrs
Where did the one legged pirate go for breakfast? IIIIIIHOP
What be a pirate's favorite kind of humour? Sarrrrrrrcasm!!!
What did the pirate put over the hole in his ship? A tarrrrrrrp!
How do pirates solve their differences? ARRRRrrrrrrbitration!
What is a pirate's favorite type of currency? The dollaarrrrrrrr!
What is a pirate's favorite thing about dogs? They BARRRRK!!
What's a pirate's favorite instrument? His arrrrmpit! Not a Harrrp
What kind of ships do pirates have trouble with? Relationships!
What does a pirate drive on vacation? An AAAARRRRRRRRR V
When a pirate goes shopping, what does he want? A barrrrrgain!
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer
Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go? Not very fARRRRR!
Why do pirates have such bad breath? Because they eat gyARRRlic!
What do pirates do after the sun goes down? They PAARRRRrrrrty!
Why did the pirate cross the road? To ARRRRRRive at the other side!
Why did the pirate speak so clearly? He was very ARRRRrrrrrticulate!
Why couldn't the kid go see the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRR
What do you call it when you've been robbed by a pirate? Larrrrrrceny!
How did the pirate make a little extra booty? He had a YARRRRRd sale!
How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub? With Bar-Nickels!
Why did the pirate have a heart attack? He had a clogged ARRRRRrrrr-tery!!
Why couldn't the pirate get through the alphabet? Because he got lost at sea
Why don't pirates make good life guards? They dont know C.P. ARRRRRR!!!!
What part of the Bible does a pirate like to read? The story about the ARRRRrrrrrk!
Why couldn't the pirate watch Pirates of the Caribbean? He didn't have a VCRRRRRRR
What is a pirate's favorite American president? F. D. ARRRRRRRR! Not Jimmy CARRRRter!
Being the son of God, Jesus obviously couldn't grow up to be a pirate, so what did he decide to be?
What is a pirate's favorite retail-based sitcom? ARRRRRe You Being Served?
The people that make all of these ARR! jokes should be what? ARRested!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck
Do you know any pirate jokes? Neither do "ayyyyyy!"
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