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RELIGIOUS

      Atheism is a non-prophet organization

      How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it

      Donít join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects

      What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler

      What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller

      How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it

      What is another way of explaining prayer? Knee-mail

      Why was the chicken not allowed in church? Because of itsí fowl language

      What did they do with the cow that learned the whole Bible? Put it out to Pastor!

      Why didn't the worms go on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because they had to go in pears

      If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
MEDICAL

      What do you call a sick eagle? ill-eagle

      What do ants take when they are sick? Antibiotics

      How can you tell if a vampire is sick? By his coffin

      Where do boats go when they get sick? The Dock

      How do you know you are getting old? Your in Trouble

      Where does a cat go if it loses its tail? To the retail store

      Where do you go if you lose a hand? To the second hand store

      What do you call a person that does not pass gas in public? A private tutor!

      Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy or he got bit.
DENTIST

      What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque

      Where do dentists get there gas? At the filling station

      What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear

      What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant

      Why did the vampire go to the dentist? To improve his bite

      What did the dentist say to the golfer? You have a hole in one

      What is the best time to go to the dentist? At tooth hurty (2:30)

      Why do people hate to go to the dentist? Because they bore you
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FOOD

      How does a train eat? It goes chew chew

      How do you make an egg roll? You push it

      What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

      How do you make honeymoon salad? It's lettuce alone

      What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds

      What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese

      What do you give a guy totally out of control? His panic food

      What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine

      What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato? Ketchup!

      Why do they call eggs sunny side up? Because itís not bottom side down

      Why are there no restaurants on the moon? Because there is no atmosphere

      What is also the fastest liquid on earth? Milk, it's pasteurized before you even see it

      A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, ďSorry, we donít serve mushrooms in here.Ē
                                                                                                   The mushroom replies, ďWhy not? Iím a fungi!Ē

      Why was the teddy bear never hungry? Because he was always stuffed

      Why did the banana put on sunscreen? It didnít want to get peeled

      Lemons grow on trees, so how do chickens grow? On poultries

      What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper!

      What do you do for a sick lemon? You give it lemonade

      What is a lemons favorite car? A Lemanís
ANIMALS

      What is the loudest pet? A trumpet

      What do you call a cold dog? A chili dog

      How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese

      What kind of dog always has a fever? A hot dog

      What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny

      What do you call a donkey that's cold? A brrrrr-o!

      What side of the porcupine is sharpest? The outside

      What do you call a rabbit wearing a kilt? Hop Scotch

      What kind of animal needs oil? Mice, they are squeaky

      What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator

      What kind of dog always knows the time? A watch dog

      Why are dogs like phones? Because they have collar IDs

      Want to hear a dirty joke? The white horse fell in the mud

      What would bears do without bees? They would be all ears

      What happened to the illegally parked frog? He got toad away

      What do you call 14 rabbits hopping backward? A receding hairline

      Did you hear that the energizer bunny got arrested?
      It was for battery - They're going to put him in a special cell, a Dura-cell

      Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he is always lion

      What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ell-if-I-no

      Why did the chicken fall in the well? Because he couldnít see that well

      What do you call a male deer that's crazy about a female deer? A doe-nut

      What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court? Odor in the court

      What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bye Son

      Which is strongest, an elephant or a snail?
      The snail, because it can carry it's whole house while the elephant can only carry his trunk

      What did the snail say when he rode on the turtles back? Wheeeeeee!

      What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A still, no eye deer

      What do you call a deer with no eyes? A no eye deer

      What did the tree say to the dog? Youíre barking up the wrong tree

      What Crime did the tree commit? Treeson
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COWS

      What do you call a bull on fire? Flammabull

      What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer

      What do you call a cow that is afraid? A coward

      What is a cowís favorite place to eat? A cafeteria

      What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky

      What did the cow pack to go to Hawaii? A moo-moo

      What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk

      Where do cows go on Saturday night? To the moovies

      Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work

      Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns donít work

      What do you call a cow after it gives birth? Decaffeinated

      How come cows canít fly? Because it is utterly impossible

      What do you get from a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake

      What is a cow wearing a crown? Diary queen or Burger king

      Where do cows buy their gifts? With moo-lah or through cattle-ogs

      Why don't cows have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry!

      What do you call a cow that can't give milk? An udder failure or Milk dud

      Why canít you tell a cow a secret? Because it goes in one ear and out the utter

      Did you hear their going to send cows into space? It will be the first herd around the world

      Did you hear they are going to outlaw rolled-up bundles of hay? Because cows canít get a square meal

      What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

      What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

      What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

      What does a rich cow drive? A cattlelac

      If the cattelac breaks down, how does the cow get around? On his Cowasaki
BIRDS & FISH

      What day do chickens hate? Friday

      What do you call a fish with no I? fsh

      What do you call a magic owl? Hoodini

      How do you talk to a fish? You drop it a line

      What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs

      How does a turkey eat its food? It gobbles it up

      What bird is with you at every meal? A swallow

      What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam

      How do you get goldfish to age? Remove the g - oldfish

      Why did the turkey join the band? Because he had drumsticks

      How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles

      Why do fish in the ocean get bad grades? Because they are below sea level

      Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay? Because they don't want to be called bagels

      Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

      What do you call a lying frog? An AmFIBian!

      How do fish get high? Seaweed
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BUGS

      Where does a bee sit? On his bee-hind

      What would a bear be without bees? Ears

      What kind of bee lives in a graveyard? A zombie

      How do you shoot a killer bee? With a bee-bee gun

      Where do bees go after they are married? On a honeymoon

      Why was the bee's hair sticky? Because he used a honeycomb

      What do you call little bugs that live on the moon? Luna ticks

      What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm

      If you are holding a bee in your hand, what is in your eyes? Beauty lies in the eyes of the Bee Holder

      What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield? Its butt

      What is the largest ant in the world? An elephant, Bigger? - A giant, Bigger? Ė Antarctica
EDUCATION

      What do you call a polygon? A dead parrot

      What school do you greet people in? Hi School!

      What did the square say to the circle? Youíre pointless

      Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up

      Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Cause then it would be a foot

      What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A doughnut

      What did the teacher say about her disruptive students? I canít control my pupils

      What is a teacher's three favorite words? June, July & August

      Where does the electric cord go to shop? The outlet mall

      Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"

      How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters? ICE!
NAMES

      What is an alien without an I? Alen

      A man who just lost his skies? Skip

      Name of a girl on a tennis court? Annette

      A man with no legs below the knees? Neil

      What is a man's name in a hole? Phil or Doug

      What do you call a man attacked by a cat? Claude

      What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff

      What do you call a man who hangs on the wall? Art

      What do you call a man doing exercise? Jim! (Gym)

      What is a manís name in a big pile of leaves? Russell

      What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground? Pete! (Peat)

      What is a man's name floating in a pool with no arms or legs? Bob

      What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

      A womanís name who works with men in an auto repair shop? Carmen
MONEY

      Where do fish keep their money? In river banks

      Change is hard, have you ever tried to bend a coin?

      Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it

      Crime doesnít pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?

      Where does a penguin keeps his money? In a snow bank

      How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards

      If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

      How do you keep a bull from charging? By canceling its credit card
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HALLOWEEN

      What do you call a pretty ghost? Bootiful

      What is a vampireís favorite fruit? Nectarine

      What does the skeleton order to eat? Spare ribs

      What do you call a stupid skeleton? A bone head

      What is a skeletonís favorite instrument? Trom Bone

      What does a vampire like on his holiday turkey? Gravy

      Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

      Which room do the skeletons hate the most? The living room

      What do you call a skeleton that rings your doorbell? A dead ringer

      What does the skeleton say just before he starts to dine? Bone appetite

      What do you call a skeleton that doesnít come in out of the cold? A Numb Scull

      Why did the skeleton not go to the party? He had no body to go with, or no life, no guts

      Why do vampires believe everything you tell them? Because they're suckers

      Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in

      Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them

      What do you call a skeleton that doesnít want to get up? Lazy bones

      What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch

      What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling

CHIRSTMAS

      What do you call a singing elf? Wrapper

      What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet

      How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle!

      What kind of bug hates Christmas? A humbug

      How can you tell Santa is near? By his presence

      How does Santa water his garden? With rain, dear

      What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickle less

      Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking

      What do you call an old snowman? Water, or a puddle

      What does a snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes

      What do you get from a cow at the North Pole? Ice cream

      What are people called that are afraid of Santa? Claustaphobic

      What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!

      What do you get when you decorate for Christmas? Tinselitus!

      If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!

      Whatís red white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane

      What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole? Cold cash!

      What type of pine has the sharpest needles? Answer: A porcupine

      How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, It was on the house

      What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree? Pineapple

      Difference between regular alphabet and the North Pole alphabet? Noel

      What did Adam say to Eve the day before Christmas? Itís Christmas, Eve

      What do aliens say when they land in the North Pole? Take me to your heater

      How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents

      What do you call someone who does not believe in Santa? A rebel without a claus

      What is Santaís name if he comes down the chimney while the fire is ablaze? Crisp Cringle

      What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, Iíll never part with it!

      When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day? Every year

      Why is it so cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!

      Why is Santa so good at karate? Because he has a black belt

      What do you call a train filled with taffy? A chew chew train

      What do you call a young locomotive? A Trainee
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CROSSROADS

      Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the utter side

      Why did the TV cross the road? It wanted to be a flat screen

      Why didnít the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack

      Why did the lemon stop halfway across the road? He ran out of juice

      Why did Mickey Mouse cross the road? He was going on a Minnie vacation

      Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? It wanted to lay it on the line

      What do you call someone who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses the road again?
      A dirty double crosser

CLASSIC

      Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9

      What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing

      Why is Mozart upset with chickens? Because they go Bach Bach Bach

      Two guys walk in to a bar, the third guy ducks

      What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails

      Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

      Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired

      What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time

      What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed

      When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary

      Why was the ocean embarrassed? Because it saw its bottom

      How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it

      What type of candle burns longer? None, they all burn shorter!

      Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh

      If H20 is inside of the fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P

      What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A stamp

      If two is a couple and three is a crowd, then what is four and five? 9

      Did you hear about the boys who went on a camping trip? It was intense

      If con is the opposite of pro, in must mean Congress is the opposite of progress

      If everyone in the country drove a pick car, what would you call that? A pink car nation

      How many psychiatrists does it take to change a tire? None, the tire has to want to change first

      How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

      I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted

      Why canít an idiot dial 911? He canít find the 11 on the phone

      When is a car not a car? When it turn into a driveway

      When is a door not a door? When itís a jar
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PIRATES

      How does a pirate laugh? HARRRRR

      What does a pirateís dog say? ARRRF

      What's a pirate's favorite gas? Arrrrrgon!

      What did the old Pirate get? Arrrrrrrrthritis!

      What is a pirate's favorite planet? Marrrrrs!

      What does a pirate smoke? A cigaaaarrrrrr!

      How long is a pirate's plank? A YARRRd!!!

      Where do pirates eat fast food? Arrrrrrrrrrby's

      When do pirates prefer to attack? In the darrrrrrk!

      What is a pirate's favorite field sport? Arrrrrrchery!

      What do pirateís go to school for? The 3 ARRRRs!

      What's a pirate's favorite vegetable? Arrrrrrtichokes!

      Why are Pirates called Pirates? Because they Arrrgh!

      Where can you find very few pirates? The Arrrrrctic!

      What do pirates like for Christmas? Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrds!

      How do pirates like their meat? ChAARRRRRRrrred!

      How many pirate jokes are lame? Most of them ARR!

      What is a pirate's favorite baseball team? The Pirates

      Where did the pirate go for a drink? To the barrrrrrgh!

      Where is a pirate's favorite place to shop? Taaarrrrrget!

      What is a pirate's favorite animal? An AAAAAArrrdvark!!!

      What do you call an insane pirate? BizzARRRRRRRRE!!!

      What is a pirate's favorite way to fly? A helicoptAAARRR!!

      How do pirates navigate their ships? With the staaaaarrrrrs

      Where did the one legged pirate go for breakfast? IIIIIIHOP

      What be a pirate's favorite kind of humour? Sarrrrrrrcasm!!!

      What did the pirate put over the hole in his ship? A tarrrrrrrp!

      How do pirates solve their differences? ARRRRrrrrrrbitration!

      What is a pirate's favorite type of currency? The dollaarrrrrrrr!

      What is a pirate's favorite thing about dogs? They BARRRRK!!

      What's a pirate's favorite instrument? His arrrrmpit! Not a Harrrp

      What kind of ships do pirates have trouble with? Relationships!

      What does a pirate drive on vacation? An AAAARRRRRRRRR V

      When a pirate goes shopping, what does he want? A barrrrrgain!

      How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer

      Where can a pirate with two wooden legs go? Not very fARRRRR!

      Why do pirates have such bad breath? Because they eat gyARRRlic!

      What do pirates do after the sun goes down? They PAARRRRrrrrty!

      Why did the pirate cross the road? To ARRRRRRive at the other side!

      Why did the pirate speak so clearly? He was very ARRRRrrrrrticulate!

      Why couldn't the kid go see the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRR

      What do you call it when you've been robbed by a pirate? Larrrrrrceny!

      How did the pirate make a little extra booty? He had a YARRRRRd sale!

      How do pirates pay for a round o' rum down at the pub? With Bar-Nickels!

      Why did the pirate have a heart attack? He had a clogged ARRRRRrrrr-tery!!

      Why couldn't the pirate get through the alphabet? Because he got lost at sea

      Why don't pirates make good life guards? They dont know C.P. ARRRRRR!!!!

      What part of the Bible does a pirate like to read? The story about the ARRRRrrrrrk!

      Why couldn't the pirate watch Pirates of the Caribbean? He didn't have a VCRRRRRRR

      What is a pirate's favorite American president? F. D. ARRRRRRRR! Not Jimmy CARRRRter!

      Being the son of God, Jesus obviously couldn't grow up to be a pirate, so what did he decide to be?
                                                                                                                                        A CARRRRpenter!

      What is a pirate's favorite retail-based sitcom? ARRRRRe You Being Served?

      The people that make all of these ARR! jokes should be what? ARRested!

      What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

      Do you know any pirate jokes? Neither do "ayyyyyy!"
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